of love and love letters

“a lot of people have asked me why I love you,

and I’ve answered back with a quiet smile,

not because I don’t have an answer

but because they would never understand”

 It all started with a set of letters, one of which was written on the back of a chocolate bar, Nestle Crunch I think. She was apologetic for not being able to be with me at the youth leadership awards in Baguio. It was our “prize” for being allegedly the best among our peers during the youth week celebration. Until this day I still think about what could have happened had she come along with me on that trip. She talked about a lot of things on the pieces of paper that she sent my way. To say that I was touched by her gesture of friendship was an understatement. In retaliation, I responded with a six-page letter detailing the trials, tribulations and sentiments of my life at that time. I had opened up to this someone who was willing to listen to the ramblings of a fool such as me. It will just be a one time big time thing, I thought. No one in their right mind will entertain one such as me. But to my utter amazement, she wrote back. And so it started. An exchange of thoughts, ideas and emotions all meticulously written down on pieces of flyers, bond papers, stationery sets and anything and everything that we could get our hands on. It was something that I came to look forward to every single day, either to receive another set of letters or compose a new one myself to send. At that time it was my oasis in the desert of loneliness. It put order in this disorganized chaos.

It was in high school.

Then college came along. I really can’t say, but I think that it is in this phase of life when the letters became scarce. She’s probably busy I would reason out. I’ll write to her as soon as I finish writing this report or studying for tomorrow’s exams. There was always a reason why I couldn’t write. But whatever it was, it just happened and the time between each letter got longer and longer until finally one day, I sadly realized that there ere no more letters to come.

One of the last ones I was to receive was a letter that she did not even write using her own handwriting but was rather printed out using a word processor telling me that I will always be her soul mate. As I was watching an animated series on TV, I opened the letter and while the rest of the household were laughing at the show, I silently went away to let the tears fall more freely in private. It was then that I realized the no matter how much sugar coating you place the truth will always be a bitter pill to swallow.

 Time has come and passed me by. There was so much to do in college that I forgot all about it, or at least that was what I kept on telling myself. I kept busy with academics and stuff, but in the stillness of the night when the world stood still, I still think of her and pray for her happiness.

 Fate would give me another chance, but being the fool that I was, I just let it go.

 And though I might say otherwise, I still long to read her letters once again.

~ by allen mallari on June 21, 2009.

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